(What the old married bastahds neva tell ya!)*
Weddings are truly special days. Days worth cherishing, honoring and long re-living. I remember my wedding to my lovely wife Brooke, which took place almost a decade ago in Sun Valley, like it was yesterday—and not just because it took me until about then to pay it off.
It was a beautiful, festive day full of countless smiles, laughs and hugs, which were inspired by more than just the open bar. And one of the things I mostly vividly recall is that all the men there who’d long been married—you know who you are!—totally screwed me over. They were about as useful as 
a chastity belt is to newlyweds. They didn’t give me a single stitch of useful advice; so long as you don’t count looking at me while chuckling, “Sucker!”
That's because there’s stuff—useful stuff for a guy just tying the knot—that they know about but they don’t tell you. Apparently they find it more entertaining to watch you learn/struggle yourself—or perhaps their wives have threatened to cut off their tongues or other favorite appendages if they dare speak.
I know, because I’m now one of them. I’m getting old and have been with the same spouse for quite a while now. But I won’t be one of those guys who simply says, “Sucker.” No, I’ll just quietly mutter “Sucker” to myself while actually trying to pass on some honest (and pretty universally accepted) guidance about getting hitched. Don’t worry, I’ve hidden the scissors, knives and gardening tools.
The number one thing they never warn you about is something that happens within minutes of saying, “I do.” For folks will usually follow up a hearty “Congratulations!” with a serious question about when, exactly, you’re planning on having kids. Unless that is, you’re already expecting, and then conversations often turn towards shotguns or the wonders of birth control.
Besides instantly swapping in the pressure to get married for the pressure to reproduce, there appears to be three main tenants to surviving—hell, even thriving in—marriage, especially for guys.
The first one is that love, even in its deepest and truest form, still requires work. Butt loads of work. The type of work that you can’t always do while working on a 30-pack of Bud Light. Or while watching a ballgame. And especially work that can’t be done while complaining about, or comparing your spouse to, your mother-in-law.
The second thing nobody bothers to tell you is that forgiveness is the most powerful and positive force you have going for you. You’re going to need to receive it and you’re going to need to give it. Lots of it. But luckily, it seems to be the seed of great things (like mind-blowing make-up sex).
The final thing that they never warn you about is that some day in the not so distant future you’re each going to have a moment when you gaze into the eyes of the other and think, “Who the hell is this person and when did they get so damn annoying?” Because what seems so cute at the beginning of a relationship, can be absolutely infuriating a few years later.
Of course, this will lead you to argue over stupid things like toothbrush holders and toilet seats or about which Ben Affleck movie sucks the most. And they don’t bother telling you that during such moments it’s best to just shut up for a few minutes, take a deep breath and think about your wedding day, about the love you felt for each other on that day, about the love, support and acceptance everybody there shared with you two. Breathe it back in. And try to remember that life tends to be a lot like a Ben Affleck movie, sometimes it’s terrific, sometimes it sucks an egg.
“Don’t tell me what to do, okay? Don’t tell me what we might do. Don’t tell me what we’re supposed to do. Don’t tell me what we maybe should do. Don’t ever tell me nothing!” –Ben Affleck from Gigli
*(Written in honor of the recent exceptionally enjoyable nuptials of my cousin “Chuck,” also known as “Rocket” or “Rob,” and his beautiful bride Shauna.)
